amillionlittlekanyes:

There’s something you need to know about me: I have a talent for finding really weird and disturbing shit to watch. I have Two Girls One Cup, Shake that Bear and the Budd Dwyer Suicide video on my hard drive, and I share them with whoever dares show even the slightest interest in watching them. I’m pretty desensitized.

However, I believe I have recently discovered the most outrageously fucked up cartoon to ever grace the airwaves. The fact that this was on cable shocked my deadened sense of social mores like a Taser gun. Well, lets be fair and say I re-discovered it.

Take yourself back to 2003. The “Super-Size Me” guy is making a documentary that will turn me off McDonald’s forever, George Bush is carpetbombing Iraq into democracy, and somewhere over Texas the Space Shuttle Colombia is transforming from the most complex machine made by man into a fiery hail of twisted metal.

Don’t start with that “Too soon” crap. I bet you haven’t thought about it in years.

Amongst all this noise, the channel now known as Spike is named TNN, and is running a block of adult animated cartoons. These include Gary The Rat, a pre-Occupy show about a Wall Street lawyer (voiced by Kelsey Grammar) that is transformed by karma into a 6 foot rodent, and Stripperella, a Stan Lee (like X-Men and Spiderman Stan Lee) created action show starring a Pam Anderson-voiced pole dancer that moonlights as a secret agent with glass-cutting pasties and laserbeam lipstick. These, however, are not the show I’m referring to. The show in question is Ren and Stimpy: Adult Party Cartoon, an updated version of Ren and Stimpy made by the same creator and voiced by the same actors, except with the crazy dialed up way past Drawn Together or even Michelle Bachman levels.

Remember these guys? Try to visualize what happens when they move from Nickelodeon to the same channel as MANswers and TNA iMPACT! Wrestling. I’ll bet you’re still WAYY off.

Here’s a few moments from this show:

• Ren is recounting his childhood of torturing small animals to a psychiatrist called Dr. Mr. Horse, and shares how his parents confronted him with the fact that he’d been torturing a frog to the point that it begged for death. Ren’s father hands him a gun to put the frog out of its misery, and his mother snatches the gun and screams “WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GIVING A GUN TO A CHILD!!!!! Here! Use this chainsaw instead!” Ren’s parents then proceed to tongue eachother while their son further mutilates (but refuses to kill) the frog under the “Finishing Tree” in the back yard.
• Stimpy wakes up with morning sickness and claims that Ren has knocked him up. Though it confirms that Ren and Stimpy have been having gay sex (something implied in the original show), it turns out that Stimpy is not pregnant, but merely constipated. The episode ends with everyone smoking cigarettes while Stimpy cradles an anthropomorphic, crying piece of shit.
• A man (named George Liquor) adopts the two and proceeds to give Stimpy Stockholm Syndrome and trigger a homicide spree in Ren. The episode ends with Ren, Stimpy, and George Liquor dancing in tighty whiteys with plastic pieces of dog shit in their mouths.
• There seems to be a preoccupation with asses (the holes in particular) in this show. There’s at least one asshole shot in all 8 episodes, and it’s usually in the center of the frame when you see it.

Ren and Stimpy: Adult Party Cartoon ran for a full month before being cancelled. Now it’s available on Hulu Plus and Netflix. I dare you: Track it down. Watch it. And let it dawn on you that, for a brief period in 2003, this shit was on NATIONAL FUCKING TELEVISION. Except, of course, for the episode entitled “Naked Beach Frenzy”, in which the Spike TV censors stopped doing near-lethal amounts of cocaine to ban it from American television for gratuitous animated nipple and hairy man-ass.

My true friends among the audience are the ones that will track down and experience this train-wreck of animation, film your reactions and send them to me. Do it. You won’t.

I’ve never seen something so terrifying. There’s so much artistic attention to the asses/assholes in this show, I can’t even.