This girl in class today raised her hand to comment on an article we read for my non-fiction class. All she really said was that she couldn’t understand how a guy who used to be a big football player in high school now works with make up. “It’s…weird.”

My friend Bree and I looked at each other as if to communicate, you’re weird.

Had a dream I was at some sort of GOP convention, except it was supposed to be a really friendly sort of gathering, nothing to do with the election. Mitt Romney did a toast and said something snarky about the presidency. In response, Newt Gingrich yelled, “NO MORE TOPICS!”

Immediately after everyone started bursting into drunken laughter, Stephen Colbert was on the red carpet talking to a camera, with his eyes lifted from a free make up enhancer kit he received at the event as a gift. “So now that the cat was let loose, I’d like to discuss my favorite topics…” was the last thing I made out before waking up.

I had a dream (oh no, not again) that I was on Survivor, and it was my second time, and I was a villain and I won the shit out of this rafting contest and was in the final three to be voted to win a million dollars.

Then I had another creepy ass dream that my family (which was not my actual family) were all in the wrong bodies or some shit, and this one girl was trying to tell us that something was just not right, and then some uncle or something was trying to kill me with rat poison. And then there were a bunch of old people that were laying in a pile on top of each other but kept falling off their bed, but they were as thin as sweaters so it wasn’t hard to pick them up. The girl that kept disappearing/trying to tell us the truth was hidden in a dumpster but all that was left of her was her head and her foot (she was still alive), but I think that’s because Adventure Time was on in my living room last night and the whole giant foot thing fucked me up.

Um, drugs.

Backwards hands sound like the bees knees, man. I could basically rest my arms while I perform all my hard labor type out my embarrassing life stories on the internet. 

In the future we will all have backwards hands, hopefully. Unless we fuck up evolution just like everything else.